How to Deal with Your Rude In-Laws

No one enjoys dealing with in-laws when they're insensitive, intrusive, and rude. Your mother-in-law gripes about the way you wear your hair or your father-in-law just gripes in general.

Dealing with your rude in-laws is something you must adjust to. Because you didn't just marry your spouse, you married—or got stuck with—their entire family.

This is your albatross to bear, unless you walk away and cut them out of your life. (Disengagement is no great fix either.)

You have other options…

Coping with your toxic in-laws

When grappling with dear ole mother-in-law, you need a thick skin. Put on your faux Cheshire Cat smile (even though it pains you) and get ready to deploy your battle plan.

You may salivate at the prospect of telling her off. Putting her in her place. But going berserk without a strategy is a risky trek through alligator-infested swampland.

Courageous woman wades through a fairytale swamp during a torrential downpour, with water up to her collarbone, surrounded by alligators devoid of menace — Arguing with your mother-in-law vs. gator diving? Tough choice.

Remember the old saying:

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
George Bernard Shaw quote.

But you shouldn't absorb verbal and emotional abuse in perpetual silence either, like a weathered punching bag.

Woman wears an absurdist, avant-garde, full-body ensemble resembling a bulbous, puffy punching bag — You're not your in-laws' proverbial punching bag.

And the problem isn't just relegated to your mother-in-law; any member of the in-law family circle can cause trouble, including your father-, sister-, brother-in-law, and their spouses.

For the sake of this article, we'll use mother-in-law as the chief antagonist. But you can swap out this in-law with any hostile, manipulative, patronizing bully.

Don't take the bait

Shall we give a minor example: going home for the holidays? The first thing darling mother-in-law does when you walk through the door is brush past you and kiss her "baby."

The disrespect begins early…

You've become the peripheral. The invisible.

Her passive aggressive remarks—"You're so thin" or "Isn't your wife feeding you?"—strike a nerve. This is manipulation. This is baiting. She's trying to get you to react.

Ghoulish Baba Yaga, a ghostly witch, sits beside a raven and flickering candles at a mysterious dinner table, her pale visage marked with faint inscriptions — Mother-in-law taunting you at the dinner table.

You've entered the time-honored game of "Who Will Embarrass Themselves the Least?" A winner-take-all battle of wit, snark, and spite, where bets get placed on your dignity.

Nothing would please her more than to have you return a snide remark. Or just get combative. She's betting that only you will look awful in that exchange.

But this isn't a fair fight…

She has her immediate and extended family there for moral support. You just have your spouse (of conflicted loyalty) and maybe your kids (who can't help much).

The smart play, for now, is to kill her with kindness.

Rain-drenched woman with an unsettling, villainous smile, plotting something dangerous as she stares upward — Brandish a fake smile and bide your time.

Compliment her on something and try to mean it. If you turn everything into a massive battle, both your life and your partner's will become nothing short of miserable.

Disparaging you over your married name

Since we focus this website on name change after marriage, we would be remiss to not cover a source of daughter-in-law to mother-in-law tension: not carrying on their family name.

Older woman and her daughter-in-law in a near-dark room, mouths wide open, locked in a heated argument, expressing intense frustration and a palpable sense of danger — Don't succumb to bullying over your married name.

If your mother-in-law criticizes you for not taking her son's last name after marriage, explain why you kept your maiden name or hyphenated your name as a middle ground.

Tensions may erupt among in-laws for men who opt to take their wives' names, as though the wives were plotting to erase their husbands' family history.

Changing your name is a personal choice with lifelong ramifications. Your in-laws—and even your spouse—may disapprove of your decision. But hold the line.

Now, back to the family get-together…

Be patient and keep your cool

You've been at their house for a couple of hours now. The comments and offhanded remarks just keep coming. Your nerves are wearing thin and your patience thinner.

Take deep breaths. Tap into your inner Zen. Picking a fight right now is a dangerous maneuver. Especially with relatives arriving soon, if not there already.

Serene woman with closed eyes amid surreal mushrooms in an enchanted forest — When angry, aim for a calm, harmonious frame of mind.

Adhere to a self-imposed peace agreement, while remaining respectful of her home. But prepare to make it known that you won't tolerate being walked over.

Try your hardest to pacify her until you have time to talk to her one-on-one. Go help her in the kitchen. This may be a disaster, but here's your chance to speak your mind.

Keep the conflict between you and her

You should have raised this issue with your spouse by now. Remember, this is their parent. Respect that. Would you want anyone belittling or badmouthing your mother or father?

Instead of trying to decipher your partner's mother, why not consult the expert? Ask your spouse for their opinion on how best to manage and mollify their mother.

Couple in a dimly lit diner, backs turned and heads bowed, crafting a plan in hushed tones, overlooking urban street life at dusk through towering glass walls — Devise an in-law rebuttal script with your spouse.

When asking your spouse to opine on their mother's toxic behavior, avoid putting them in a position where they feel forced to choose a side.

As one of the two most important people in your spouse's life, asking them to choose between you and their mother is a harsh ultimatum which could rupture your relationship.

Consider the possibility your spouse's own family has bullied them into submission. Too browbeaten to suggest a response that doesn't involve appeasement.

Isolated man sits in a broken chair in an abandoned, dark, dilapidated room, the atmosphere misty and haunting, with foggy daylight piercing through a large window — Your spouse may be too conflicted to offer useful input.

Open yourself up to a range of opinions. Ask your friends, family members, and therapist for advice. They may have constructive in-law horror stories to tell: disputes and solutions.

Now is the time to speak your mind

So dinner is over. Everyone is gone. Now is the time to approach her.

Determined woman dressed as a superhero, wearing a mask over her eyes, gazes straight ahead with unwavering focus — Steel yourself and get ready to say your piece.

Pull her to the side, just the two of you, with no one else nearby. Perhaps, go into the kitchen for a glass of wine or iced tea. Or offer to help clean up the mess.

Don't get defensive in your tone or body language. Defensiveness heading into the discussion will start and end in an ugly place.

Start the conversation light, simple, and direct: "I'd like to talk to you about something that's been bothering me." (Gird yourself; there's no turning back now.)

Approach the matter without attacking. Keep a calm and respectful demeanor. Focus on the goal: ending the conflict.

Don't sugarcoat it, but stay mindful of her feelings. Explain how you feel disrespected, diminished, insulted, or ignored.

Articulate your expectations:

Hostilities must end.
And everyone must end it together.

Stopping this rampant aggression is a must:

For the sake of the family.
For the sake of your wellbeing.
To stop someone from going overboard.

She may appreciate your candor if you're upfront and honest from the outset. But if you try to deceive, obfuscate, or embellish, she'll see through insincerity and call you out.

Time to go on offense (get your armor)

Trying to keep the peace is admirable, but you can't let gross behavior run amok unchecked. The longer you wait, the more emboldened and obnoxious vicious in-laws become.

Defiant woman in medieval body armor commands attention at an extravagant feast, her steely-eyed gaze simmering with contempt — With armor on, rise up with courage and assert yourself.

Here's a forceful yet restrained way to respond to a bullying in-law:

I'm sorry, but I can't allow you to keep disrespecting me with your hurtful words and actions. I treat you and everyone with respect, and I expect the same in return.

I want us to have a good relationship, but there needs to be a change. If you can't do this, we need to limit how much we're around each other moving forward.
Example of a measured response to a menacing in-law.

Speak your truth without hesitation or apology, and then leave the door open for the antagonist to return from the brink and accept a truce, peace, or ceasefire.

While these strategies can help address and potentially resolve conflicts with your in-laws, it’s important to acknowledge that not all situations will improve.

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, walking away might be necessary for your own peace and well-being, even if it’s a last resort.

Taming your in-laws key takeaways

Your in-laws deserve your respect (when merited). But always remember that you deserve respect as well. Finding common ground and mutual respect is in everyone's best interest.

Fearless woman shares a serene, ethereal banquet with a pride of lions at a table adorned with pumpkins — Enter the lion's den and walk out intact, respected, and stronger.

Mending a broken relationship takes hard work and grace.

You can start with a private discussion, separate from family gatherings. Take a gentle but firm approach. (Go assertive, not aggressive.)

There might always be periodic conflicts between you and your in-laws. But aiming for understanding instead of upstaging can lower the heat and hurt long-term.

Good luck traversing the tricky ties between you and your in-laws. Remember to show your appreciation despite their foolish conduct. Until calm prevails, stay poised and unruffled.

Do you agree, disagree, have your own in-law story to report, or advice to share among those struggling with this problem? Express them in the comments section.